Today is the 3rd day since Mohanty Babu passed away from a sudden cardiac arrest. A midlevel executive in a government department, he was to retire in May. These days when we see young people in their thirties, fit and fine with no medical history to worry about dropping dead without notice; the death of an almost senior citizen should not raise any eyebrow.
It was just one of those events which happened every day.
It was quite a shock for his wife as she had never spotted any
signs of illness or stress which could be possibly corroding him from within;
ditto his colleagues and relatives. His family stand devastated and distraught.
More information emerged about him after the usual chaos and
hurly-burly of cremation got over.
Mohanty Babu married late because he had to settle his brothers
and sisters. Now all of them are settled outside the state, he continued to be
the sole bridge of his joint family taking the load of every small and big
social and financial issue. He was the local face of his big joint family. He
has not been able to build a house for himself and his daughter has just passed
+2. His close relatives were naturally concerned. It was obvious that he must
have been under a lot of stress and was possibly staring worryingly at the
post-retirement life and the liabilities he was saddled with. His calm
demeanour and routine lifestyle have successfully camouflaged the fire inside.
Are we going through similar worries that are choking us? Have
we shared it with anyone close?
Was he alone or many are going through the same phase? Have we
tried to spot them and tried to know?
When someone says "Hi, how are you?", it is typically
a friendly greeting and a way for the person to show that they are interested
in your well-being. It is a common greeting in English, but it can be a great
way to start a conversation. It shows that you are interested in the other
person and that you care about how they are doing. It's a way of asking someone
how they are doing, both physically and emotionally. It can be used in both
formal and informal settings, but it's more common in informal settings.
There are many different ways to respond to "How are
you?". Some common responses include "I'm fine, thank you.",
"I'm doing well.", "I'm good.", "I'm not too
bad.".
The way we are expected to respond will depend on how we are
actually doing and how well we know the person we are talking to.
If you are close friends with someone, you might be more likely
to share more personal information about how you are doing. If you are talking
to someone you don't know very well, you might be more likely to give a more
general response.
A person can ask "Hi, how are you?" as a form of
greeting while not being interested in the answer. In some cases, this could be
due to habit, social convention, or a lack of genuine interest. In these
situations, it's common for people to provide a standard response, even if it
is not an accurate reflection of their true feelings.
Let’s try to recollect when was the last time we responded
by saying "I'm hanging in there.", "I could be better." Or
"I'm terrible."? Perhaps never.
In the era of social media, we have become accustomed to raving and
ranting about the state and projecting a filtered successful and happy picture of
ourselves. In this pervasive culture have we turned secretive ourselves or feel
that our worries are not anyone’s concern? Or, we have turned passive to
others’ worries in the name of not being too inquisitive or respectful of their
wishes and privacy?
This shows how as individuals we have learnt not to share our
worries with others and collectively as a community, we have stopped paying
attention to other’s worries.
Men are the biggest victims of this. From their childhood days
are taught to be tough. They are socially conditioned not to complain about
their pain both physical and emotional, people in their lives, their personal
and professional situations and if they do, they are seen as weak, a loser,
feminine and a whiner. When he grows up, he learns to accept the situation
without complaint and fight it out and to protect the ones he is responsible
for like his immediate family by not sharing the details of his problems. He
does not want them to get affected by his worries. Somewhere there is that
confidence that he can solve it with time, alone.
He unknowingly subscribes to the saying – Mard ko kabhi dard
nahin hota. In the bargain, he lives like a living pressure cooker ready to
explode anytime.
The solution lies not in the final resolution of what is causing
his worries but in learning to destress himself by sharing his worries with a
close confidant or sharing them with the people he wants to protect from these
worries.
What are we doing to inquire about others' worries with the tone
and intention to offer a solution or do our bit to alleviate his fears?
The answer to that lies in establishing a close relationship
with your near ones where you can spot is worries from a distance and ask, “How
are you, really?”
Which in no uncertain terms means “Cut the crap! And tell me
what's wrong?”, “Dude, you done being so formal? Now tell me what's going on.”,
“I know you lied that you're fine. I care for you, tell me what's bothering
you.”, “Oh you depressed? You look pretty happy in your pictures. Now please
clear the confusion & tell me how you are.”.
Kaifi Azmi captured the same emotions when he wrote his famous
song – Tum Itna Kyon muskura rahe ho, kya ghum hai jisko chupa rahe ho.
Do we have such a friend in our life who can see the pain behind
our smiles and ask us “How are you, really”, and do we have the ability and
attitude to say “How are you, really” to a friend who possibly is grappling
with pain behind his projected happy façade?
Our empathy and sincerity in participating in somebody’s
problems will develop a culture that will save dozens of lives around us, including our own.
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