To my kids on Father's Day

If I was instrumental in bringing you into the world, certain things came along the deal which I'm responsible for; you better know about the roles I'm going to play in your life.

As the Protector:

My primary role as a father is to give you physical, emotional, social, and financial protection to the best of my ability till you become an adult. It's also my role to provide you with exactly that much protection which will prepare you to be independent and autonomous and not make you dependent on me for life. Don't expect me to protect you when you are wrong; I'm not your private bouncer. But when you fall, betrayed by your love and the world, I will be there to provide the safety net and a launch pad to swing you back into life.

As the Provider:

My role is also to provide the resources which are needed for you to develop into an educated, sensitive, emotionally stable, well-mannered, and respectful human being with values and principles who can provide for himself and lead a small but honorable life. It will start with my being the example of all of it. I'm not here to give you a luxury lifestyle, foreign vacation, and admission to fancy foreign universities. You have to earn it yourself. Don't try to make me look deficient as a father because your friends' fathers are breaking their backs trying to live up to the expectations of their wives and children. Period!

As the Disciplinarian:

If I'm doing the above two things well, be prepared for the third. My job is to discipline you, your thoughts, and your actions. I am here to set standards and instill values and principles in you. Breaking you in is no easy job and I don't want you to love me for this. You can run to your mother, and grandmother to cry and complain against me to release your angst. I want you to remember my face when you do anything wrong and fear the consequences even if I am not around.

Your Gen Z friends will say that your dad is old school, controlling, orthodox, and chauvinistic but digest that and do as I say.

You will remember all the things that I did to you as discussed above when you become an adult and have your own children to raise. You will remember me and appreciate the hard choices I made when you would be falling and rising and successfully navigating the obstacles of life. But by then I would be history; not around to know your appreciation of my role in making you.

That's a dad’s life.

Those Old Toys

They were stowed away and forgotten for close to 15 years till we discovered them while clearing the cupboards yesterday. But as I look closely at each one of them, flashes of memories come rushing back.

From the day they came into our house - either bought or gifted, how my kids played with each of them, how many kilometres they travelled with us, what all the places they visited with us, and how many times they suffered being smeared in Cerelac and how many times they had to suffer the washing machine and the tumble dryer to the mountains of joy they brought into our kids’ lives. They were living beings with individual personalities and identities in the chaotic circus we called home.

They were on our beck and call working untiringly along with us to raise our kids.

The children outgrew them years back and when their role as their emotional support started dwindling, we wrapped them in a polybag to declutter our home. When we met them today, one of them had lost an eye, many had lost their lustre, and some wore tattered jackets. Logic says that the time to say goodbye has come and let them go as they neither are needed by our children nor by us.

Now, they are like the nanny we had but don't need her anymore.

Now even after they were conveniently forgotten for 15 years; they look as happy as always - ready to make us joyful again.

Should I let them go or can I let them go rather? Kids will leave us one day, but can I ever let go of the memory of their growing up phase and the awkwardness of ours as untrained parents and those million experiences. These lifeless stuffed toys are the objects around which these precious memories are woven.

Will know by this evening.

22nd May 2023

Different Strokes

In another few hours, the deadliest train accident of our living memories will be 52 hours old. Hours will be days, days will become weeks, and weeks will become months.

Life will go on but those gory images of dismembered bodies, strewn body parts, and the sound in our minds of a huge mass of metal hitting another at great speed, wailing of people crushed under the metal carriages crying for help will keep playing in a loop and haunt us a lifetime. As many times its memory would visit us, that many times our hands will rise in prayer for this not to happen again. If the macro picture of this tragedy was unsettling, micro tales of personal tragedies that will roll out one after the other will leave us devastated emotionally in the months to come. 

After the Super Cyclone, Odisha registered itself at the top of one more list which no one wants its name on.

When an incident of such tragic proportions happens, baser minds like ours get tempted to ask the unseen - why? What were his plans? Why did he orchestrate such a sanguineous drama to destroy hundreds of innocent lives and leave behind ten times more people scarred for life?

The exact number of dead is not known yet. 288, 295+, 175, and 1000 are the numbers flying around and each source has its own method of counting and each will stick to their number. We thought human beings were countable but now we realise that dead bodies are not.

The response to the accident was straight out of the disaster management textbook. This is what we get to see in American movies. Well-drilled professionals were cutting through the chaos with the precision of a surgeon.

Before the agencies could arrive the locals came in droves and started rescuing people using locally available crude tools and ladders. The picture of them pulling out people alive, injured, maimed, and dead was so moving and heartening. The people from the nearby towns came in hundreds to volunteer and donate blood. For them, the world was a binary. The ones who can help and the ones who need help. Every life mattered and every minute was precious. Balasore rose above faith, regionality, language, and economic divide and set a benchmark of what civilians can do sans power and resources.

The scale of the tragedy though caught various state agencies unaware, the alacrity, efficiency, coordination, and cooperation among them showed no sign that they represent three different governments ruled by three different political parties who are known for their differences. No one was blaming anyone, no one was trying to steal the limelight, and no one was trying to gain political mileage in the time of this monumental crisis facing humanity. In their mind the same binary played. The ones who can help and the ones who need help.

But the scene in the virtual world of social media which didn't stand anywhere near lending a helping hand was in stark contrast to what was on the ground. The grief and outrage of people were painted with political and communal colours, people who generally wore the garb of decency didn't bat an eyelid to shed it and turn vituperative and personally abusive, and many pandered and fuelled conspiracy theories against a particular section of the society. No one wanted to miss the opportunity at hand to grind their personal axes of hatred and divisive politics.

Behind the cloak, some were seen with a pair of wings of goodness and ready to take humanity to the next level and some were seen carrying a dagger to slit someone's jugular.

Incidents like these throw us to our bare selves, exposing our core values and intentions - wings and scabs.

 

Being Odia

Being an Odia in Odisha whose fate is tied and tightly coupled with the whims and fancies of another Odia would speak of another Odisha which it never was or should be.

For centuries we have proved that we make very good servants, sincere, loyal, and honest; efficiency was not expected from the one who just has to guard the post to protect his master's interest. From being the Balasore Bearers to a Babu in the highest office and now as waiters and security guards in metros we have done every role because the lure of risk-free, easy, and secure life is hard to resist. It's time we resurrected that dormant gene that made some of us kings and emperors.

Though after seeing our current practice of servility and the way it gets rewarded, it fills me with doubt if the kings of the past were bred and raised here or were imported.

Let's stop stealing from our master's warehouse and treasury to build our riches and also stop managing his business well and wait indefinitely for him to give us the reward and certificate of good conduct; let's build it on our own. Both share the same easy path to a secure life, differentiated only by honesty. Stop behaving like a king with his power of attorney in your hand; because he can annul it anytime. Great servants never build great nations; they live off it.

Let's build the courage to do something new, hit the monolith with a disruptive thought and idea, design a different method, a product, break new grounds, shake the status quo at its base, and push our art, language, and endowments to the next level by creating things anew, be an employer and not just aspire to be a very civil servant as the symbol of our collective and ultimate aspiration if we want our state to regain its past glory.

Stop being delusional about our past when the present doesn't promise a glorious future. Let's help each other to do things that are different.

My Utkala Dibasa thought.

Bhubaneswar – The city which adopted this nomad.

Vividly remember that Sunday afternoon in the summer of 1974 when Baba drove us to a plot he had recently acquired.

After crossing the last human habitation with some rickety unimpressive houses at Acharya Vihar, we were on the highway towards Khurda. After about a kilometre plus he turned right to a barren geography with no shrub in sight. New roads were being demarcated with mounds of aggregates dotting the sides of stormwater drains. Our Jeep rattled on it and stopped at a point where the road ended and overlooked a valley. We were asked to get down and Baba proudly showed us his first material acquisition after struggling for a decade plus to raise his 4 children.

 

Maa, as a forest officer's wife was too used to living in mini estates and was least impressed with this postage stamp-sized plot. To her, plots are measured in acres, not square feet. She sarcastically suggested that ideally, he should have bought some land a bit ahead which would have been easier for us to take care of cultivation at our ancestral village near Chilka. With the ego of the man of the house punctured, the drive back can only be expected to be in uncomfortable silence.

 

That was IRC Village then. Can't tell about others, but a part of me stayed back at that exact spot constantly beaconing me to return.

 

Born into a nomadic life because of constant transfers of Baba, we were to hop from place to place every two, or three years, get attached to that setting and agree to a willful separation and strike root at an unknown place. This perhaps gave me a stronger heart to drop people and deal with future disappointments and breakups.

But while living that peripatetic life, my mind always wanted to come to that spot someday in the future and settle down.

 

Another chance transfer in 1986 made us denizens of this city which I had longed to be a part of since 74. This place has seen our family of 6 grow to 18 at its peak and with all the life's dramas - the birth of my children and the death of my father. Never thought of leaving it even once and I'm sure this place will witness my final journey.

 

At times I ask myself what drew me to this city. I came here with zero friends and no relatives to speak of and with no dreams or ambitions - I just wanted to be here. Was I running away from my past? No! Then?

 

The words of two people partially answer my question.

 

Baba used to say that it's in the soil. He jokingly attributed the color red to the blood of his ancestors who had valiantly fought off invaders and staged mutinies. And of Priyadarshy Dash Bhaina when he said, he agreed to a lesser pay package while opting for a shift to Bhubaneswar because he would get a few lakhs worth of free breeze every evening to make good. Its appeal and magnetism perhaps lie in its air and soil.

 

This city which has housed us and shaped our lives and nurtured our dreams has completed 75 years today and at 75, two things still look beautiful, the city you love and your mother.

 

It's on us how we together shape its future.

A father’s letter to his daughter

Dear,

Today is your first day at your office and your first step into the world as a professional. I as a father feel I must tell you certain home truths and things that will help you take on the uncertain water and navigate in the new world filled with unknown people and their unknown interests.

 

Leap not with romantic hopes but with practical understanding.

 

A Job is an opportunity:

It’s not a job, it’s also not a trophy you have bagged. It’s a responsibility that you have agreed to take. Be thankful that you got this opportunity to show your talent, give back to your organization and learn from others. Evaluate the opportunity in terms of the quality of responsibility the organization gives you. Responsibility is not a burden; it’s a silent acknowledgment of your capability and the trust that the organization reposes in you. It's invaluable for your growth and learning and much bigger than the CTC. Make the best of it.

 

Gratitude:

Only some get this opportunity. A hundred factors have coincided to bring you where you are today. Remain in gratitude for your upbringing, grace, good wishes, and blessings of many known and unknown to you.

 

You are just not a packaged skill:

Remember in the initial days you will be evaluated based on your attitude towards work, learning, and people, not on your skill sets. The organization will evaluate you on how well you deal with people, how committed you are to your responsibilities, and how open you are to exploring and learning new things and delivering them at work.   

 

Let your conduct speak:

Build your professional reputation by being punctual, being attentive during a discussion, showing sincerity by seeking clarification and help, and demonstrating commitment by delivering things on time. A reminder is a negative score you earn.

 

Respect and Command Respect:

Respect is not demonstrated through obsequity, it is communicated through activities and behavior. Be respectful towards others and be watchful of your boundaries; guard them against being breached.

 

Pleasantness:

Everyone loves a pleasing personality. Differentiate between friendliness and pleasantness. Exude pleasantness, positivity, energy, smartness, and team spirit. You communicate a lot through how you dress and groomed and how you deal with people who are lower to you in order.

 

Shun Negativities:

The organization will not treat you the way you want it to treat you. You will encounter unfairness and bias. Don’t jump to a conclusion. You won’t see the total picture when you are a party. The organization could be having its compulsions and reasons. Control your envy, jealousy, and the urge to pull others down when you feel side-lined. Don't discuss anything negative about your friends, relatives, colleagues, or organization. Never express your disappointment in public. Never!

 

Opportunities to learn:

The opportunity will make you realize how little you know and how much is out there to be learned. The time you have in hand should be spent learning newer things and acquiring newer skills to be a smart problem solver. Self-improvement is key to long-term success. Better your best.

 

A job is the best fit:

Remember that organizations will hire you when they need you for solving a specific problem they are facing then. The old models of organizations are fast disappearing. Organizations are becoming lean and changing quickly because they have come to realize that they only can survive when they change fast with the changing time. See your job as the best fit for demand at that time and your ability to supply the same. Evaluate how much did you contribute to the revenue side of the organization. You will be important if there is a need for it. A job is not a personal relationship or a life-long commitment. They are not obliged to help and support you achieve your personal goals and your career dreams.

 

It's a very important day in your life as from today you are going to wear your own identity. You will be identified and recognized for your work and not as my daughter anymore. You will create your relevance in the organization and over the next few years discover how successful you have become. All these can happen with your effort and at your own cost. The world will take you through your paces. It will be a testing time for our years of upbringing, education, skill, and attitude all combined.

 

Wish you Godspeed!

Sunday Blues and our perpetual fight with Procrastination

It’s a Sunday afternoon and after the post-lunch siesta, I wake up to a mixed feeling of having lost out, being left behind, guilty, and filled with self-doubt - a sense of dejà vu.

Familiar with it; deep down I know that this will continue till I reach the office and start taking up things. I have lived through this feeling since my adolescence and only recently realized that many adults like me do undergo this feeling routinely and it has a name.

It is called ‘Sunday Blues’.

Research shows that about 66% of the respondents in the UK experience ‘Sunday Blues’ anxiety triggered by thoughts of work the following day. Things are also the same here it seems. For someone who has a punishing 6-day work schedule wasting 50% of his weekend time in a state of gloom is not happy news. Also, not good news for a professional who is suffering from work-related anxieties regularly.

What we are seeing here is the beginning of stress.

In our professional lives, we have to commit ourselves to some delivery. At the beginning of our career, we are pretty comfortable delivering and very few works get postponed. But as we grow in age other important tasks of personal nature like health issues in the family, social commitments, and many unforeseen events make us defer things more. In the process, only the ‘Urgent’ ones get the attention and the ones that are also ‘Important’ gets postponed. And one day the long list of unfinished ‘Important’ things jostles for engagement with the ’Urgent’ things of that moment causing what is called Stress.

Simply put, Stress is our inability to deal with the task which we have committed to do on that day.

And staying under a long period of stress does irreparable damage to one’s mind and body affecting his personal and professional life. A huge industry exists to solve this problem because a large number of people can’t get their acts together to refuse what they can’t deliver what they are expected to by the scheduled days. The sincere types who are aware of their postponement acts suffer the guilt of doing so and start seeing themselves as habitual ‘Procrastinators’ and resign to that nomenclature.

Experts say that there are no Procrastinators but there are many who are in the habit of procrastinating.

What then is the habit of procrastinating?

The anatomy of habit has three basic components. There is a Trigger, there is a Pattern and there is a Reward for doing so. Here the jostling of 'Urgent’ and ‘Important’ fight for space and attention and that results in stress. This stress acts as a trigger for the Reaction. As deferring some of the not-so-urgent tasks gives us temporary relief, it acts as a reward for someone to develop a pattern of such deferment.

We all know how the act of organizing the cupboard, our wardrobe, the file cabinet, or the travel documents for reimbursements gets deferred for months and months and we develop some fear of touching it. But one day it confronts us to be taken up because by then we would have exhausted all our excuses, it adds to the existing stress. Once we give in to the pattern of procrastinating it results in our feeling guilty, which causes panic and makes us take more and newer excuses to procrastinate further.

Many of us helplessly surrender to a downward spiralling loop of stress and guilt unless something throws us out of it. Many people in the creative field suffer from this infamy as more mental focus and discipline are required to deliver creative content as opposed to those who do repetitive and routine work. 

Experts say that nothing can help us come out of this loop unless we help ourselves out of it.

They say that the core of the problem lies in giving in to the stress and reacting to it by deferring the pending tasks and enjoying temporary relief. 

They say that of all the tasks which you are too tempted to defer, at least if one task is accommodated in that days scheduled and pushed to some start; one can complete the task soon if he gets over the fear of restarting it. And completing one such task fuels the confidence to complete all others.

That is the only way to deal with it - to take the bull by its horn.