Respect – What it means and what we have made of it

A cousin of mine who works in a school for children with special needs was recounting an experience of hers.

A senior retiree who stayed alone in their community with time to spare, came occasionally to that school to help people with their chores. He didn’t mind doing any task – big or small whoever asked for help. He wanted to contribute to the community. He was always punctual, came much earlier to school time; and would invariably park his car at the farthest end of the parking lot.

This habit caught the attention of my cousin who asked him about this quirky habit of parking when there are many vacant slots available closer to the exit. He said, as I come early if I park near the exit, the ones who are unable to reach in time for some reason on that day will be forced to park at the farthest end. That will make them late to work. As I have time in hand, I choose the distant slot and leave the better ones for others. 

His answer stunned her. This is the incident from the US.

We from childhood are conditioned to see people coming early to grab the best seat or slot. This behaviour of grabbing and squeezing past others can be seen everywhere. On the road, while checking into the aircraft, leaving the aircraft after landing, waiting for your turn at the buffet, parking lot. A friend told me that as almost all resources are scarce and many people are competing to access them, and it has been so for centuries, this desperate behaviour to outdo the other has been normalized by society.

I didn’t quite agree with the argument.

I see it not as the outcome of a scarcity of resources but as a general absence of respect for our fellow citizens who are immediately next to us. We are exploitive of others’ hapless situations and look for opportunities to disrespect others.

Taking the example of the senior retiree in that school, he had no economic necessity to do a job, he didn’t associate a task with his position, he did things just because he felt that he needed to give it back to the community, he leaves space in the parking lot for the unknown colleagues who could be running late – knowing very well that he will not be penalized for not doing so or ever going to be appreciated for doing so. He does it because it’s the right thing and a moral thing to do. Period. 

Who inculcated such values in him?

As I fulcrum my argument on the word RESPECT, it made me delve a bit deeper into the exact meaning of the word the connotations in which it is meant to be used, and what we have made of it.

As per the Oxford English Dictionary, RESPECT is a noun that means

[1] a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.

[2] due regard for the feelings, wishes, or rights of others.

Yes, due regard for the feelings, wishes, or rights of others is the topic of our discussion.

In our country to act in a servile or an obsequious way, silently suffering the ill-treatment of the one who is more powerful, not raising your voice of disapproval, not expressing dissent, or not giving a suggestion that is contrary to his wishes of your boss are considered the signs of respect. It is normal for the powerful to keep you waiting without thinking of giving a semblance of an excuse, forget an apology. 

Your loyalty and respectfulness to him are evaluated on your ability to take it without complaint. We are taught to take it even if we don’t like it. It manifests in minor acts of disrespect that are ignored or go unnoticed. Like not responding to the New Year message sent by a person from a lesser hierarchy or seeing through him when you bump into him in a public place.

Interestingly and worryingly the same people who were ill-treated earlier by the more powerful mete out similar behavior when they come across people who are less powerful than them. They have normalized it as the standard behaviour of respectable (powerful) people. It is not likely to end as there is huge competition to be in that league of privileged VIPs and earn a license to be disrespectful. The middle-class dreams are made of this. The one who is less powerful and is forced to take this will take it as this is the prevailing culture. If this continues unquestioned in the end, what we will have is a society of street bullies and disrespectful people in various garbs where even a normal act of kindness or courtesy seems like a sterling example of humanity. That's worrying.

What we need is a competition to be respectful, not powerful.

We all know if we must expect change, we must act it ourselves. But do we? Let’s put ourselves to the test and answer a few questions.

1. After using a public toilet do we leave it clean as a mark of respect to the next user?
2. Do we think of leaving the shopping trolley at its right place after using it at the malls and airports?
3. Do you segregate your domestic waste before handing it over to the municipality guy?
4. Do you drive maintaining a safe distance from the car in front of you? Do you stay in the centre of your own lane? 
5. Do you stop at the intersection even if there is no traffic or cop around?
6. At home, after having food, as a practice, do we carry our plates to the sink and dispose of the leftovers properly and stack the crockery after giving it a rinse as a mark of respect to the feeling of the maid who would clean it later?
7. In the restaurant do we consciously speak in a lower voice, not ill-treat the waiter and push back the chair to the original position as a mark of respect to the ones who are here to enjoy a meal and spend time with their friends and family?
8. Do we give a weekly off to our maids and drivers as their right? Or at least feel guilty about it if we don’t?
9. Do we make the driver wait in the dark and humid basement parking while we enjoy the late-night show with our families?
10. Do you feel superior because of your caste, job, education, money, or position?

This is a test of how you treat your fellow citizens without any bias toward their superiority or inferiority for their feelings, wishes, and rights and the law of the land and the environment around you. It is a test as to whether you as a human can lead a responsible autonomous life and not be a burden on the community.

It is not illegal, and no one can hold anything against you if you have scored nought in the above test. But why we must score high is out of the goodness of our hearts. We all should recognize that respecting other feelings, wishes, or rights is just not the correct but moral thing to do.

If you believe in the karmic cycle, remember, what goes around comes around. It's a matter of time before you fall victim to the same disrespect that you have passed on. Respect is what a reasonably-minded person would do, and such people collectively build a beautiful compassionate society where the weakest feel secure not threatened in the presence of the powerful.